Dear Butterball University,
Every year for as long as I can remember I can recall the day that the “Turkey Talk-Line Expert” appeared on the Today Show. My mom always watched the show while sitting on the floor with her paper spread out in front of her with a cup of coffee. She’d always laugh and guffaw at the questions people posed to the Turkey Talk-Line expert such as “It’s Thursday morning and I didn’t thaw my turkey! Can I just turn the oven up twice as hot to speed the process along?” or there’s always the people who forget the bag of guts inside the turkey until they heap Uncle Lester’s plate full of a neck and livers.
Here’s the thing.
The first time I cooked a whole turkey?
I left the bag of guts in it. Had I even remembered that the bag was in there it wouldn’t have mattered much given that the bird was too frozen to pull the bag out in the first place.
Yes. I am the reason the Turkey Talk-Line exists. (PLEASE DON’T TELL MY MOM.)
For some reason I can produce the perfect tiramisu. I can make you the best birthday cake you’ve ever had. And my cinnamon rolls? Legendary. But when it comes to meat? Turkey in particular? I panic. Poultry panic! I should write a theme song.
I need confidence Butterball University. Can you teach that? I need to know that my breasts will turn out juicy and my thighs with turn out tender. I don’t want my skin burned and I definitely do not want my stuffing soggy.
I have the potatoes, the rolls, the pie and the yams down to a science. It’s that darn turkey that’s causing me so much anxiety.
Everyone knows that there’s turkey, and then there’s GOOD turkey. The kind you go back to the fridge over and over to pick at. The kind you wake up to and dream of turkey swimming in your salad. THAT’S the kind of turkey I want to produce.
If I’m being perfectly honest I want to be the woman in that Norman Rockwell painting. Holding the perfectly browned turkey with my entire family looking up at me with adoration.
I already have the apron.
All I need are the skills.
Butterball University I am so excited to be in your presence, to smell the smell of turkey. (Oh, by the way, do you sell an eau de roasting turkey perfume? If not you should really look into it.) I can’t wait to learn, and how to teach. No one will ever ruin a turkey under my close watch. I’m already hoping to grow up and and be one of the Butterball Turkey Talk Line experts.